When I was not busy getting texts about how a bunch of fucking traitors rocked it
in Beverly Hills last night, I've been working the phones
and my sources
to bring you some information I think you'll find really fucking interesting and definitely don't already know.
I don't have a lot of time, so let's get right into it because tonight I have to eat 'til I shit myself and argue about whether Whataburger is better than In-n-Out with a bunch of fat loser fucks on the internet.--Olive Garden Central, TX.
LB RB Mo'Lasses Warren (4 Jars of Molasses):
I have a friend well placed at Tejas who recently caught Mo'L at UT-Stadium (or whatever it's called; I usually like to say the names of the stadiums to show how much I fucking know about the campus, but in this case I forget) on his visit. This picture is secret, but my inside sources tell me he was having a great time... which is unusual, but worth mentioning.
Despite what this photo looks like, and even though last week my hindsight meter was telling me it looked like it was slipping away—hey, I gave you the best information I had at the time, but the reality is I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and was just looking at twitter and getting scared—this week He's a LOCK for UW. BUT THAT'S JUST THIS WEEK SO DON'T GET EXCITED. It might not even be true on Sunday. BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW HE'S A LOCK. Something could change, sometimes it does, but not always.
The inside money is on Texas here, but stranger things have happened and I'm hearing that Washington is the best bet to get this
top rated RB to sign. I'm hearing he's a combination between
Eric Dickerson and
a large topiary in the shape of a football player being passed by traffic so it looks like he's moving, but he actually can't
Marshawn Lynch.--Olive Garden Central, TX. WR Javier Castille (3 Spanish Colonialisms):
Well placed sources tell me that although he is not particularly great at dressing
(or avoiding looking like a douche), he does fit the bill of the type of perimeter player Coach Pete likes: small and unremarkable. I'm sure we care about him and aren't just recruiting his shitty ass to suck up to Warren (next to whom, by the by, he looks like a midget
).--Somewhere in Canada, WA. DE Bryce "The Stork" Sterk (10 unheralded white people hard-hat stars):
So, at first I was hearing this wasn't a commitable offer that Coach Pete gave him in person, but now I'm hearing otherwise. We don't know much about him, but he was found wandering the Canadian forests in a tribe of bears
and we have to assume he's got Canadian bear blood flowing through his veins at this point. He's in for a visit this weekend. --Shit Ass San Diego Suburb, CA. CB Dechaun Holiday (4 Imploding stars):
Pete seems to be afraid to go head to head with the big boys and doesn't want to recruit
Los Angeles, because he's scared by blacks, gunshots and rap music. Word is Petersen thanks God every morning for Bryce Sterk. --Shit Ass Tacoma Suburb, WA. DE Benning Potato'e (1 potatoe, 2 potatoe, 3 potatoe, 4):
I'm hearing that he loves the SEC and won't really even consider UW. You can't blame Sark for that, some people just want to get away from home. He was never coming here anyway. Why is this kid not on twitter? This one is hard to read. Oh, shit. Pete closed him. He was actually going to go to UW no matter who was there. --Shit Ass Tacoma Suburban High School That Has All The Talent, But Never Fucking Wins Shit, WA. Coach Dave Miller:
Interesting news this week as Miller claims to develop players and says that's the reason why he's had so many D-I guys. My sources
are saying it might be more complicated than that. --Kikaha, HI. DE "Laffy" Tafua (3 Danny Shelton Hawai'ian Native Stars):
I know I have said he is a lock to UW, but that's before things changed. --Shitty Everett, WA. QB "Scabby" Eason (Jake Heaps POY in the world, a billion stars):
Now, this is where things are going to get controversial: Jonathan Smith actually molested him. Just what I'm hearing. Did it in the whole 'Babushka' get up, too. Not pretty. Now Pete is calling him and he won't answer, and word is we're looking at the death penalty. Again, just what I'm hearing
. Scabby's family set everything up for Scabby to commit to Coach Pete last summer, but during camp Pete left known
molester Smith in a room alone with Young Scabby. You just don't do that and the family wants answers for why Matt Fink was not similarly molested. It's also possible Smith was in the Babushka scarf and Pete didn't recognize him as he slipped past him, but either way, it's on Pete. It scarred the family so bad, they now think Mark Richt is a good coach. --Place that is certainly not Bellevue because the kid is black and goes to Bellevue, WA. WR Tyson Chicken (3 nugs):
Hearing that this explosive giant
may get an offer or he may not. Stay tuned. This one's hard to call right now, because it hasn't already happened—so we've got to say he may get an offer or he may not. However, after it happens and Lars tweets about it, we will let you know exactly what happened.
That's it for now. I would type more, but there's a really intense thread on Breitbart.com and the box of Marie Callendar's I just put in the microwave just exploded (I just put the whole box in, then take it out when the pie explodes on the inside and eat it with my hand forming a scoop), but I'll be back as soon as something happens to equivocate about the future and inaccurately represent the past.