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Top 10 Blown Predictions in Dawgman History

CheersWestDawgCheersWestDawg Posts: 2,278
Swaye's Wigwam 250 Answers 500 Awesomes 1000 Comments
edited February 2013 in Classics
Elbe, WA – It’s February. Which means it’s a slow time of the year in terms of sports news. The Super Bowl has been played and Major League Baseball doesn’t start their regular season until late March. Even Phil Mickelson can’t screw up The Masters until April. As a result, I have been tasked to come up with the Top 10 blown predictions in Dawgman history.

After lots of input and a case of Coors Lights, I’ve come up with a list that none of you fucktards will agree with. As it is, come up with your own list, and then pop the fuck off. If you’re going to be critical of this list, that’s fine. But if you’re negative about it, you’ll be gone.

Let’s get going.

#10) Dick Baird’s Fucktarded Weekly Game Prediction.

Every week during the college football season, Dawgman subscribers are subjected to the staff predicting the outcome of the upcoming Husky football game. Some of the predictions are good, some of the predictions are bad. Some are just plain old retarded. But by far the dumbest one every week comes from former Husky linebackers’ coach Dick Baird. Every week Baird predicts the Huskies will win. He says he does this because you can never go into a game thinking you’re going to lose.

What Dick doesn’t tell you is that while this might be the proper mentality to have when you are a player or a coach, once you cross the line into being a part of the media, no one gives a shit about that. They want honesty. They don’t want some old, drunk former coach thinking he’s still on the sidelines. As it is, Dick Baird’s credibility when on the air or writing on the internet has been completely shot and now you can hear him on local radio commercials hawking boner pills.

Talk about a perfect job for a man named Dick.

#9) Oregon is going to get HAMMERED by the NCAA and Mark Emmert

Okay, while this prediction by Kim Grinolds may still come to fruition, it has been nearly two years since the infamous name Will Lyles was brought to our attention by Yahoo! Sports’ Charles Robinson. Almost immediately after the story broke, Kim was pumping up subscriptions and trying to rile up the faction of Husky football fans who are consistently misinformed by him.

Kim has predicted ‘USC-type’ sanctions for Oregon. Then when called out or backed into a corner from what he says, he uses this as his Get-Out-of-Jail Card: “I am just relaying WHAT I AM HEARING. OF COURSE THIS COULD ALL BE INCORRECT BUT NO BODY KNOWS.” Well, no shit Kim. Why do you keep this charade up? This prediction has been shouted from the mountain tops so frequently from Grinolds that it brings back visions of former Fox News contributor Dick Morris shouting into the camera that Mitt Romney will win the 2012 presidential election by a landslide. One only hopes that Kim’s fate will be similar to Morris’s.

#8) 2013 is going to be special

Here is another prediction where Grinolds has opened himself up to huge criticism. Kim has been able to hold off critics of the Steve Sarkisian regime by invoking this line ad nauseam. “The rebuild isn’t done yet”, “You have no idea the mess Tyrone left”, “The whole culture needed to change”, etc, etc, etc.

Well, this year is finally the year when Kim has to answer for his sins. Once Sark leads the team to another rousing 7-6 season, Kim will finally be bombarded by Husky fans all over for this retarded prediction. Kim will then put the blame squarely on Husky QB Keith Price for the mediocre season.

#7) Ed Orgeron is heading back to the NFL

Kim Grinolds was able to step into another big cowpie this Valentine’s Day not with just this innocuous but very incorrect prediction, but by also offering a drink and a banana to one of the “hot blondes he always sees” at the local Starbucks. Kim, give the wine and blondes bullshit a rest. It’s not fun, funny, or cute. You’re about .000005% as creative as Mike Damone.

And in case you missed it, Orgeron said just a few days ago that he’s staying put at USC.

#6) Steve Sarkisian not included in Dawgman’s 2008 Coaching Search Primer

After the University of Washington finally announced the firing of Tyrone Willingham during the football season in 2008, the first thing Dawgman.com did was write a front page editorial telling President Mark Emmert that he should fire Tyrone Willingham.

The second thing Dawgman.com did was to put up a “Coaching Search Primer”. The names included on the list were very familiar to college football fans. The names included were Pat Hill, Jim L. Mora, Mike Leach, Brian Kelly, Gary Patterson, and Brian Kelly. Even Alabama head coach Nick Saban was on Dawgman’s list.

One name that wasn’t on the primer: Steve Sarkisian. Husky Half Brain poster AllPurpleAllGold took time out from his hobby of bare pickling cougars to come up with Steve Sarkisian as a possible replacement for Tyrone Willingham. Where was Dawgman’s “inside info”? Does my $120/year go for something other than feeding Chris Fetters a steady nacho diet?

Not sure. I guess Dawgman insiders like Bill Fleenor were too busy getting a mustache ride from Pat Hill to know that Steve Sarkisian was even interviewed. Once Damone’s drunk father in law on the couch announced Sark as the new head man at Montlake, Bill Fleenor and another Dawgman “insider” by the handle of AANDY were so upset, they said things like “That’s the last time a UW AD ever lies to me” and “AANDY’s so upset, he can’t even write a column right now”. Latest reports do not indicate if Fleenor and AANDY’s set of kneepads made it into their suitcases or if they’re still in Scott Woodward’s suite at the Las Vegas Bowl.

#5) Scott Eklund is 81% sure

During the 2008 coaching search, Dawgman subscribers were pressing staffer Scott Eklund for the latest and greatest information. During a crazy chat room session, Eklund typed out that he had just heard something that makes him positive that Jim L. Mora was going to be the next head football coach at the University of Washington.

The chat room was abuzz for more information. Eklund wouldn’t say who he heard it from, why he believed it, or when we might hear something more. But he did answer one question. When asked how positive he was that Mora would be the next Husky coach, Scott Eklund said about 80%. Subscribers kept pushing. Was it right at 80%? A little less? A little more? Eklund relented and gave the answer he knew he would regret for the rest of his days at Dawgman:

81%

#4) The 2012 Offensive Line Bumper Crop

The depth on the UW offensive line has been a sore spot for many Husky fans since the days of Rick Neuheisel. Injuries, attrition, and the inability to develop offensive linemen has hurt the UW for a decade. In 2011, when Steve Sarkisian signed 2 offensive linemen, Husky fans freaked out.

Kim Grinolds then took up his role as Director of Misinformation and told fans to relax. Kim said it’s not how many you sign in a given class. If you sign 8-10 over two classes you’re fine. He said he talked to UW OL coach Dan Cozzetto about it. He said they’re fine. Besides, there’s a bumper crop of local OL in 2012. Garnett, Williams, and Banner were going to headline the 2012 class for Sark. Except that it didn’t. Garnett chose Stanford. Williams was allegedly upset that Scott Eklund didn’t think he was very good so he chose Wisconsin, and even though Kim told us that family was the most important thing to Banner, he signed with USC.

Great prediction, as always.

#3) Mora is going to implode

In 2007 and 2008, most Husky fans were excited about the possibility of Jim L. Mora coming back to his alma mater and becoming the head football coach. Songs were sung, voice mails were recorded, websites were made, and cakes were delivered (even though it should have been pie). Kim Grinolds might not have been at the center of these activities, but talk to those involved and they will tell you Kim enabled it and wanted Mora to become the UW head coach as much as anyone in Huskyland.

After Steve Sarkisian was hired, it is fair to speculate that Kim wanted his access and rumors about the program. So it’s more than likely that he made nice with Sark and Woodward and then cast the promise of Jim L. Mora aside to the hamper like a crusty love sock in the early hours of morning wood.

Once Jim L. Mora was hired by UCLA for the 2012 season, he had immediate success in recruiting despite the cries from Section14a Fucking Stupid that he wasn’t supposed to like recruiting.

In the meantime, somewhere deep in Renton…where the wine flowed and the skinny jeans got tighter with every thought of his access to Sark and Woodward, Kim Grinolds talked with his neighbor, John Clayton of ESPN Insider fame, and they decided that UCLA would implode because of Mora’s past experiences in running the Seattle Seahawks and Atlanta Falcons.

Except that Mora was exactly what UCLA needed to make an inspired run to the Pac 12 Championship game and beating cross town rival USC 38-28. What was Kim’s reaction? Oh well, Mora did that with Rick Neuheisal’s recruits. It had nothing to do with Jim. Just wait and see…Mora is going to have a MELTDOWN!!!111!!111!!

Husky fans only wish for a meltdown like that from Sark as Woodward continues to rub himself with the dreams of incremental progress that three consecutive seasons of 7-6 provide.

#2) The Huskies will go 12-0 and win the national championship in 2003

Right after a run to the Roses in 2000, the Huskies were able to go 8-4 with a young, talented team in 2001. The Dawgman himself, Dave Samek, saw that in 2003 Husky QB Cody Pickett would be a senior. WR Reggie Williams and RB Rich Alexis would be juniors. And the sky would be the limit. He said the Huskies would go 12-0 and win the National Championship.

Unfortunately, Rick Neuheisel lied and gambled his way out of Barbara Hedges’ panties. The Hamburglar himself, Keith Gilbertson, took over for Neuheisel. Surely, Samek would revise his prediction now that Neuheisel had been fired, right?

Wrong. Samek went in front of the cameras at Fox Sports Northwest and didn’t back off. The Huskies will go 12-0 and win the National Championship in 2003 he claimed. Gilby then ate pizza and farted his way in leading the Huskies to a disappointing 6-6 season.

Dave Samek hasn’t been as involved with Dawgman.com ever since.

#1) Chip Kelly is going to be a disaster at Oregon

In 2009 the University of Oregon made a change at the head coach position. Mediocre Mike Bellotti was booted off the sidelines and upstairs to become the athletic director. Offensive coordinator Chip Kelly was then promoted to head coach. Almost immediately, Kelly’s abrasive and sarcastic personality was noted by followers close to the Oregon program.

Kim Grinolds went to the Dawgman message boards and said Kelly was rubbing people in the media the wrong way and was, in Kim’s terms I believe, “pissing off the money” behind the Oregon program. Unfortunately for Kim, there is only one money man at Oregon and his name is Phil Knight. And Knight wanted Kelly to be the head coach.

Kelly’s first game was at Boise St. in 2009. It was a disaster for Oregon. Sideline blowups, an ineffective offense, a 19-8 loss, and a DeLaGarrett LaBlount Punch after the game made it look like Grinolds’ prediction would come true to the delight of many Doogs.

But Chip Kelly righted the ship immediately and went 46-7 and went to four BCS games in his four years at Oregon. This included an appearance in the BCS National Championship game and winning a Rose Bowl and finally popping off in 2011.

If doing that in four years is a disaster then what would Kim say about Steve Sarkisian’s 24-25 record vs. FBS teams?

Some would say it would be in Dawgman’s best interest to stop with the predictions, but here at Hardcore Husky, we hope they continue to do it. It provides us with immense amounts of material and hours of laughter.

To Kim, Dave, Chris, and Eklund: Keep it up. We love to laugh.
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